Tax Day! Yikes. This is the day I, like all the other outraged taxpayers out there, must confront the so-called price tag for living in a civilized society. Civilization—hah? Civilization is just another fancy name for the undeserving to pick my hard working pockets every 15th of April. Having filed my returns I’ve got to say, paying taxes in the five figures ain’t no walk in the park, by golly. And I’d really like to go off with all those Tea Party activists and demand Big Government leave more of my little paycheck alone. (I’d love to go but I have a full time job making the money to be taxed, where many of these activists apparently have plenty of free time to protest—likely because a big share of the Tea Partiers are wealthy old white guys.) But obligations call closer to home so at least let me offer them my free two cents worth of support.
Now, I want to slash government 50% or 60% or 80% percent as much as the next “make government small enough to drown it in its bath water” crowd. Luckily, my online tax service happens to throw in a nice little summary at the end of calculating how much of my life’s blood will be violently extracted by the powers of voracious government. With their help I can now see exactly where this socialist tyrannical government is spending my money. And I want them to stop giving my hard-earned money –and yours too—to all those undeserving welfare leaches on the body politic
Just look at it. According to the table 37% percent of my money (and by my I mean my lovely wife’s and mine) goes to all those greedy old people who have the gall to not only get old but to even get sick every now and then and whine that because they worked and built our society for forty or sixty years they shouldn’t be left to die in poverty. Yo Grandmare and Pop Pop: Get off my back! More civilized cultures used to float you old farts off on ice floes. Hey, I plan to live fast, die young and leave a handsome corpse (ok, those options are becoming increasingly problematic with each passing birthday…) so why should I have to I carry the burden of all these geriatric goldbrickers. Get a job, Grams.
And how about that 20% that goes to defense? Talk about the ultimate in social welfare states. Do you know those lazy, government bureaucrats over at the Pentagon (and in its multitude of regional offices and camps in cushy exotic locales—I hear Kandahar is the Club Med of the Himalayas) get cradle to grave government freebies? Universal government healthcare, housing and shopping subsidies, lucrative government defined benefit retirement plans? Good lord, the goodies just don’t stop. Don’t even get me started on that combat pay bonus and all those extra benees they’re entitled to just because they stepped on an IED. Hey, if you weren’t smart enough to keep your limbs attached why should I pay for it? You military guys are volunteers, after all. So how about we put them all on 401k plans and make them sign up for an HMOs like the rest of us hard working tax payers?. (By the way, would traumatic brain injury caused by an IED be considered a preexisting condition?)
That 14% for Medicaid, food stamps and the like? Cut, cut cut! Some little kid is foolish enough to be born into the wrong kind of zip code they don’t deserve food or medical care. As that great stalwart of Tea Party activism once said, “Let ‘em die and decrease the surplus population. Nine percent for physical, human and community development? Screw it. You want a park or a road or a senior center hold a bake sale and raise the money yourself, you leaches. Bighted urban areas are just God’s way of telling those people stupid enough to keep living there it’s time to move on out to the suburbs, after all. Eight percent on the debt? Screw that too. And the people we borrowed the money from. If they were dumb enough to loan money to America then they’re dumb enough to lose it all. I mean, if they were smart they would have put their money in Wall Street CDOs, after all.
Geesh. After all that slashing of bloated, unnecessary government I’m pooped. I barely have the energy to rant about that absolutely colossal 6% of my taxes that went to people too dumb to make enough money not to be poor. But what the heck: compared to the 65% our communist government wasted on Granny, GI Joe and bonds holders, it’s a drop in the bucket, anyway. If you’re serious about cutting bloated totalitarian government like I am you need to go for the big money. Senior World and NORAD—I’ve got you in my sights!
So I’m right with there in spirit with my fellow Tea Partiers! I’m outraged my taxes are so high. I’d like to keep more of my money. Then I can spend more of it on my cable bill (also way too high) , my cell phone bill (which, with 4 daughters on our family plan approximates the monthly budget of a Central African nation), my Costco runs (where the minimum I seem to spend just to dash in for a couple of 40 gallon mega-jugs of milk runs around $3,000—but my God that Kayak was a good price), or my incredibly successful investments. You see I really need to get my portfolio back up so it can be nice and plump so I can lose it all again when the next financial collapse comes –which, as the big honchos have told us should appear with the regularity of locusts every five years or so.
And, best of all, if my Tea Bag Buds get their way and we finally do slay this evil beast of big government I’ll finally have enough extra moola to go out and buy myself some really, really big guns. Which I figure I’ll need to fight off all those starving grannies and little sick kids who’ll be swarming my house like extra’s from a George Romero zombie flick trying get some of my hard earned and now unshared daily bread. Lucky for me that, once we get rid of all the Medicare and Medicaid most of ‘em will be too sick and weak to put up much of a fight.
I do worry about all those permanently unemployed ex-military types though. Maybe I better buy a few extra guns to deal with them. And, hey—maybe we can organize or Tea Party into our own armed militia to protect ourselves from this rabble. We could call ourselves the United Tea Partiers of America! Or TeaTopia—even better. We could elect officers, organize our defense forces, build a few schools to teach our kids the virtue of the Tea Party Dream. Maybe build a hospital or two to take care of us and throw in a Tea Party Fire Department. Now, to provide for our common TeaTopian Defense and promote our general TeaTopian welfare we’ll have to pool some of our resources. We could call that a….er, what? Fees? Subscriptions? Or how about Associational Dues for the Underwriting of Our Common TeaTopian Civilization.
Something tells be though, some people might gripe on Underwriting of Our Common TeaTopian Civilization paying day.