I was on panel with presidential historian Robert Dallek earlier this month. He told me about a bumper sticker he’s seen all over Washington: framed in the Republican colors of the John McCain campaign, the sticker states, simply and elegantly, “Cheney/Satan 2008.” Watching the intellectual gymnastics GOP sympathizing political commentators like Bill Kristol have had to go through in putting good spin (dare one say “lipstick?”) on Sarah Palin’s qualifications to be president, I imagined the following scenario. The set up: seeing the “I was a POW in a war that happened before most of today’s voters were out of training pants or even born so why don’t voters relate to me—I at least have a hot running mate who’s shot a moose” campaign of McCain-Palin wear out its electoral welcome in record time, the GOP high elders make a last minute desperate switch: “Cheney/Satan 2008.” (Which, given the rising “Dump Palin” sentiment, begins to seem even plausible.) Brent Hume and the gang at Fox News “Special Report” respond.
Hume: Today the Republican party stunned the political world by reconvening their national convention and, in a bold move, announced that the party of Lincoln is replacing its national standard bearers of McCain/Palin with Vice President Dick Cheney and his long-time co-counsel and mentor, Satan. With me are NPR reporter Mara Laisson, “Weekly Standard” editor Bill Kristol and crotchety old guy Charles Krauthammer. We begin with Bill Kristol. What do you make of this, Bill?
Kristol: Well, I have to say I was delighted today, Brett. Absolutely delighted. It’s the kind of bold, decisive action conservatives have wanted to see from their party. And, after all, it’s the direction the party’s been heading in certainly since 1968 if not even 1964. To finally acknowledge the powerful and pivotal satanic wing of the GOP and give it voice is long overdue.
Laisson: The Republican’s put Satan on their ticket, Brett. Satan.
Laisson: S-A-T-A-N. Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, Angel of the Bottomless Pit…
Krauthammer: Now that’s just another example of how eastern liberal intellectual elitists media twist everything to advance their old and tired liberal socialist agenda. The democrats have always been the party of blame. Blame all of society’s problems on the rich. Blame it on conservatives. Blame it on the Devil. But never blame it on their own tired liberal socialist agenda. The real devil in this campaign is in the details of just how the social programs of Barack Osama Obama are going to bankrupt this country, not in the GOP’s choice of vice president. And if there is one thing the Republicans need right now it is there own clever trickster to deal with lies, distortions and chicanery of Barack Osama Obama. Did I mention his middle name is “Osama”? Satan’s middle name isn’t “Osama.”
Laisson: Obama’s middle name is Hussein, not Osama. And we’re talking about SATAN here?
Krauthammer: Osama, Hussein, their still the names of enemies. And no-one can accuse Satan of being a Muslim.
Kristol: Charles is exactly right. Whatever the left doesn’t like they demonize.
Laisson: That’s because he’s a DEMON! We’re talking about SATAN! LUCIFER! The KING OF BABYLON!
Krauthammer: Exactly, Bill. They demonize and call people names. But it will nice to see a GOP candidate be able to give as much as he takes from the liberal mainstream media. Look at the way Satan dealt with Wolf Blitzer at today’s press conference.
Laisson: He burned Blitzer to a cinder in a hail of hellfire!
Kristol: Exactly. It’s high time someone reigned the prejudiced media in. If it wasn’t for the mercilessly slanted liberal press Republicans wouldn’t have had to drop the incredibly talented and successful McCain/Palin ticket in the first place.
Laisson: The party dropped John McCain because Sarah Palin’s utter underqualifications was dragging the ticket to electoral oblivion.
Kristol: At least according to the slanted, liberal-biased polls.
Laisson: Fox New’s own poll had the Republicans down by forty points!
Kristol: My point exactly. If even fair and balanced Fox has been taken in by the liberal media bias, what chance did poor John McCain have. But with Satan on the ticket, the polls are gonna turnaround.
Hume: Will that be because the American people will embrace a Cheney/Satan ticket.
Kristol: No. It’s because Satan will send any pollster who reports him being behind in the polls straight to the fires of perdition. Talk about your extraordinary rendition.
Hume: Given Satan’s obvious name recognition, why not go with him at the top of the ticket? Dick Cheney has his own gravitas but, after all, isn’t he sort of Satan-lite?
Kristol: I think the Republican strategy is absolutely brilliant. Given his heart, stone and all, Dick Cheney will be a one term president, if that. By 2012 Satan will be at the top of the ticket and in the driver’s seat. And I think nothing will terrify democrats more than having to face the big guy himself next time around.
Laisson: The thought of Satan as president should terrify EVERYBODY.
Hume: But does Satan have what it takes to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency? What about foreign policy experience.
Krauthammer: Well Satan’s experience is certainly more extensive than Barrack Hussein Obama’s. Hussein Obama has met with a handful of world leaders. Satan has met thousands of world leaders including those who sold him their souls in exchange for power and, of course, the large majority of political leaders from the past who have died and gone to hell. I mean, what he’s learned about foreign policy from Johnson and Nixon alone must fill volumes.
Kristol: Look, we’re in a war here. A war with our enemies. Who knows more about war and the other horsemen of the apocalypse than the Devil. The only way to fight fire is with hellfire.
Krauthammer: And I think putting Satan on the ticket sends a strong message to all the muslims extremists, like Osama Barrack Bin Laddin. They call the US the Great Satan? Well, America’s enemies, the Great Satan himself is going to be in charge and he’s coming for you.
Laisson: It tells the world America is going to Hell, Charles. That’s what it tells the world.
Kristol: You see, that’s the liberals’ biggest problem. You care more about being loved by the ‘world’ than loving your own country. ‘Oh, boo-hoo-hoo. The world doesn’t like us because we made Satan our vice president.’ Tough brimstone, I say.
Krauthammer: The world didn’t love us when Cheney had the number two spot. What does he—or we—care about how they feel if he’s number one? Especially backstopped by the devil himself?
Laisson: Bush and Cheney have bogged the country down in two costly wars, made America the most unpopular we’ve been globally since Vietnam. And driven us to the brink of a depression! Making a principle architect of these policies President will help, how? And, by the way, we’re talking about freakin’ SATAN here!
Kristol: Being able to deal with the financial meltdown is precisely what Satan brings to the table. He’s got IOU’s on the souls of every investment banker and hedge fund trader in the world in his hip pocket. They’ll tow the line and get things on track. Or they’ll discover what a ‘meltdown’ really is!
Krauthammer: Which is a lot more than you can say about Barack Adolf Atilla Pontius Pilate Hussein Jung Il Obama, I can tell you.
Hume: But how will a Cheney/Satan ticket play in the Heartland?
Krauthammer: I think the ticket will sweep the Heartland. Good, real Americans are God- fearing Americans and who should God-Fearing America’s fear more than Satan himself?
Kristol: Besides, the Heartland went for Nixon and Agnew in 1968 and 1972 and Bush and Cheney in both 2000 and 2004. They were voting Satan by proxy then. They can vote for the real thing now!
Laisson: [Stunned silence.]
Hume: Well we’re out of time. Final thoughts?
Kristol: I do have to say that I was surprised, seeing Satan at today’s press conference, just how much he looks like Dick Nixon….
Hume: That’s all we have time for now. Stay tuned to Fox for tonight’s Hannity and Colmes. Sean Hannity will have an exclusive interview with the new Republican Vice Presidential nominee.
[Cut to Clip of Hannity]
Hannity: How does it make you feel when liberals in the media say all those hateful, hurtful things about you, sir?
Satan: You know Sean, it really hurts. You try to let your record speak for itself but there are always those that lie, distort. I just try and rise above it and trust to the common sense of average Americans to prevail. That, and look forward to slow roasting my detractors over pits of fire when I eventually get my claws on their souls….
[Back to Hume]
Hume: Tomorrow on Special Report, Democrats respond to the Cheney/Satan switch by dumping Obama and Biden in favor of their own revised ticket: Jimmy Carter and Charlie Brown. Will it work? Good night.